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Robyn M
Speed |
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Let yourself, the parent, grow Children enter this world dependent on their parents, dependent for food, warmth, shelter and care. It is our job to raise them. But who raises us as parents? Being a parent is a process of growth. We create problems for ourselves when we refuse to grow, when we refuse to budge. We have to let ourselves evolve as parents. I for one will freely admit that I am a far better parent now than I was when my children were very small. Mutual learning. We learn from our children, just as they learn from us, and that is why, as we watch them grow, we need to change our rules and manner of dealing with them, and thus allow ourselves to grow also. Some children thrive on being treated as an equal and not a child, and through one on one conversations they gain maturity—and so do we. Other children feel safer being treated as a child, because it gives them the sense of security and protection that is important to them. Some children like a lot of attention, some children like their own space. We can’t treat all children the same, we must be wise enough to find what works for each child. There are numerous parenting books in the marketplace, but what they fail to tell us is: parenting is a form of personal evolution. What works for you and your child one day may not work the next day. The way we deal with our children, reason with them, converse with them, is a day by day understanding. An eternal mystery. Perhaps that is why parenting will forever remain a mystery, because no one has all the answers. There is no standard child raising procedure that works for all children. It may be that all you can rely on is your intuition/gut instinct. Yet, there are very few situations that cannot be handled from a perspective of love and patience. Who are we? A child moves from babyhood to toddlerhood, and that encompasses them taking those first steps in finding out who they are. What we, as parents, often forget to do is, find out who we are. We have had a baby and we have survived, with our sanity reasonably intact, and all that we have been through has changed us, whether we want to admit it or not. We must allow ourselves to acknowledge that we are a different person, even if we feel the change has only been a small one. As our child moves through toddlerhood, learning to walk, to wear shoes, to eat with a spoon, drink out of a cup, and speak a few more words, we are faced with a whole new ball game. Our world is focused on the child’s ‘reach zone’ and we alter the rooms of our home to suit the safety of the child, not to suit our own personal taste. We put their needs above our own, and yet, once again, we seldom ever acknowledge this unselfish change in ourselves. Looking around. Look at all the women you know. Now look at those who are raising children and compare them to those who are not. You will, invariably find, that those who are raising children are more patient, more compassionate, and easier going. This is because they have changed, they have realised that there is something in life more important than money, position, power. And, hopefully, they have allowed themselves to get more in touch with that side of their nature which society suppressed, the gentle side. Let’s be honest here and admit that society pressures us to succeed, to be strong, decisive, to be the best at everything, and that is fine when it come to areas which are clearly defined with rules and procedures that we can learn and follow. But what this also does is it shuts down our gut instincts, our intuition, that which our forebears survived on. This means we arrive at the doors of parenthood with a list of rules and procedures that suddenly don’t work; we’ve followed all the various guidelines from the twenty books we bought on parenting and none of them are working. Day by day. Day by day we get to know our children more, and day by day we assess what will work for us both. Every interaction between us builds our relationship. So…take the time to be patient, to simply sit and play, allow yourself to learn what your child can teach you, allow yourself to simply experience the joy of sitting on the floor playing with blocks. Don’t view it as a ‘demand’ on your time because there is a pile of washing that needs to be attended to, or a newspaper waiting to be read. Let your child teach you to live in the moment, to take joy in the moment. Who says that doing the washing is more important than building a tower of coloured wooden blocks? By whose standards is washing more important? Let go of all you ever held dear, and allow yourself to see the world through the eyes of your children. You will never look at the world the same way again. If we are going to bring children into this world, and commit to raising and nurturing them, then please let us raise and nurture ourselves. Parenting is not an easy job, and it is made tougher if we ourselves refuse to grow and evolve. Being a parent changes us, and this is a truly good thing! Don’t try to cling to who you were, allow yourself to change into who you are becoming—knowing that the journey of growth is never over.
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© Robyn M Speed |
