Who am I?

I t has been a tough year so far.

I thought 2007 was going to be a great year, but so far it has been hard going. Transition after transition. Inner battle followed by inner battle. To the point where I no longer knew who I was, nor felt that I was making any progress. It was like trying to walk through deep, thick mud.

I reached a point of feel emotionally hammered, and knew that I had to take a good look at myself and my life and ask: what is wrong?

And do you know what I found?

I found a person who was hiding behind the masks that she thought society expected her to wear. I had, prior to this, not realized I was wearing a mask at all, I thought I was just being me, but slowly it became apparent that depending on who I am with I behave in a different way I act like a different person.

Why do I do that? I can think of only one reason: the desire to fit in, to be accepted. However, I have realized that it comes at a price, the price of me being honest with myself. I should be proud of who I am, proud of my journey, proud of who I am becoming.

And this realization came with a new commitment, a personal one to myself. It is time for me to stand up and to be who I am, to be my reality.

If I cannot be completely myself with another person then that means that I feel their is something wrong with me, that there is something I feel I need to hide. Is my desire to fit in and be accepted more important to me that who I am? Do I accept other people for who they are? Would it be so terrible for me to expect people to accept who I am?

The realization that I was wearing a mask made me ask these questions, and answer them truthfully. I honestly do not feel I have anything to hide. I am comfortable with who I am, and the only issue has ever been 'will other people be comfortable with who I am?' It is not a terrible thing to say 'here I am, this is me, can you accept me as I am?' And so, this is what I have now chosen to do in every part of my life, with everyone I meet: I will be my glorious self, I will not wear a mask, I will not pretend to be anyone other than who I am, and if another person cannot accept me for that, then that it okay.

I will live true to myself.

That might sound like an easy thing to do, but the easy thing is pretending to be the person who fits in, the difficult thing is showing the world who you truly are, and what you embrace.

What are my goals in life? Who am I? I am love, I am a writer and a teacher, and what I seek is full enlightenment and ascension. Big goals? Yes...but they are truthfully what I seek. How can I teach something I do not know, how can I guide anyone if I have not walked the journey myself?

It is time, and I stand before the world, revealing myself fully:

I am Robyn.
I adore my family.
I am a writer, a teacher and a spiritual counselor.
I am walking the path of enlightenment and ascension.

I will not hide.

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Easter. Why it is important

What is it that we remember at Easter? Hopefully we remember a teacher who died expressing his beliefs.

Hopefully we remember a teacher who died for sharing the truth.

Yet often all Easter is about is chocolate in the shape of an egg.

What does the egg represent? New life.

So, let's just take a few minutes here and consider Easter...

Jesus knew his truth, he know our truth. He expressed it, he lived it, he taught it. There were people who did not agree with what he said, powerful people, people who held life and death decisions in their hands.

They held the life of Jesus in their hands. Their refusal to listen and consider, their refusal to allow people to hold beliefs that differed to their own, resulted in their demands for Jesus to be killed.

(How often, today, do we refuse to accept the beliefs of another? Too often.)

Jesus did not deny his beliefs. He could not. And so, knowing that this mortal life was not the sole existence, he gave up his life, knowing where he was returning to. He did not cling to life, fearfully, he did not fear his death.

How many of us hold our beliefs as strongly as he did? How many of us would be prepared to die for our beliefs? How many of us consider the life beyond death as important as the life we are living now?

What Jesus taught, should never be forgotten. He came to help, to teach, to guide. We should remember that. We should honor that.

Unconditional love. This what his greatest lesson. When we live with unconditional love as the core our of beliefs, we can do no wrong, and we can cause no harm to others.

To love my enemy is to love myself. To love myself is to love my neighbor. Unconditional love. Simple. And yet so difficult to actually embrace. I can say that I love all people unconditionally...but do I? Do I love the man that ran down the old lady with his car? Do I love the woman that beat her child to death? Do I love the soldier that raped? Do I love the parent, indifferent to his children? All I can say to those questions is: I am trying to understand and I am trying to love.

We are a judgmental society, we attribute blame and use that as our excuse to not love. I am trying to love all.

That is all that any of us can do, we can try to love.

And so, this Easter, let us remember what Jesus taught, let us honor him by doing our best to live the lesson of unconditional love.

On Sunday we celebrate his resurrection. We celebrate the Ascension. Let us celebrate that with all of our hearts and Souls. The Ascension.

Let us live a life that is worthy.

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Wandering Spirit, the Budgie

Spirit passed away last week.

By the time a budgie lets you see that he or she is sick...they are almost at death's door. We did everything we could, but I returned home from my three night a week job in time to hold her one last time before she died. My son had checked on her and had been cradling her in his hand until I got home.

Spirit...the house is not the same without you. You were not just a budgie, you were so much more than that.

This beautiful bird taught me that we need to cherish the people and animals in our lives, because we don't know how long we will have with them. Spirit was two years old.

So, this is a tribute to my feathered buddy.

Spirit,
in my heart
you will reside

I know you go on
to greater things
far greater than
any ordinary budgie would ever dream of

But then
you were never an ordinary budgie

May you fly
with joy and love
towards your chosen goal

Visit when you can
a nest has been prepared for you
within my heart centre

Come, visit, and
nestle down within my love

and we will travel together

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Schools Back!

Ahhh, the sweet sound of peace.

As much as I love (adore) my children, I am glad that they are back at school and I can have some peace and quiet to write--something I have not been able to do since school ended last year. I cannot write with interruptions. I need to be left alone for things to flow.

It is hard to not be able to shut myself away in the office and work on my novel, because I feel like I am wasting time, and yet, I am a parent, and in the holidays I am on-call to their demands.

Tomorrow they are back to school, and I can't wait. Admittedly I need to tidy the office and clean it up as the husband has taken it over and it's a mess (he is not the tidiest of people when at home, yet his office at work is immaculate!) During holidays I move out of the office so the rest of the family can use the computer and I just use my laptop to check emails etc in the lounge.

When we write we need a space, a physical space and a mental and emotional space. If the space isn't right, isn't conducive then we cannot seem to work.

There is discipline required, yes, but its' like golf, you need to be mentally prepared, emotionally ready, and physically capable of the task ahead.

I love to write. A writer is who and what I am...and when I am not BEing that...well, I feel unfulfilled. I feel like I am living in limbo waiting for my life to start up again.

I repeat, that I love my children, adore them, would take a bullet for them...but I need time for ME too, and that is what the holidays deny mothers, we don't get any ME time. We're always on call.

My year starts tomorrow morning, when the kids go back to school and the husband is at work.

2007 starts tomorrow.

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Health and Wellness

Health and wellness. The degree with which these things are present in our bodies is in direct relation to what we put into the body. The other things that affect our health and wellness are our moods, emotions, thoughts, and spoken words.

If you eat lousy food, you will, sooner or later, experience lousy health. If you hold onto lousy moods, then you will feel lousy, emotionally and mentally. If you speak lousy, cruel words, then that energy will return to you in one form or another.

There is, in much of the developed world, a problem with obesity. A New Zealand writer and comedian put it well when he wrote about his own problem with being overweight as a child: he was overweight because he ate too much. Simple. It had nothing to do with the government, or schools, or anyone else, he just ate too much, and he admitted that.

As parents we have to take responsibility for the foods we make available to our children. If they come home from school hungry, what is there for them to eat? Have you taught them to come home and have an apple, or a banana? Or do they launch into bread, chips, cakes and biscuits? Do they drink water, or coca-cola? The habits we set in motion when they are children stay in place their whole lives, unless they are strong enough to embrace a new habit.

Healthy eating really is a habit. It is one that I embrace and teach to my children.

On Saturday we went out to a function and the main course (the vegetarian option) was a circle of pasta topped with a slice of grilled eggplant, then roasted capsicum, then cooked spinach, and the layers were repeated once more and topped with a mount of feta cheese. Well...I don't like eggplant (ugh!)  or capsicum but I couldn't just eat the spinach, feta and pasta, so I ate the capsicum with the feta. This was a meal from a very good restaurant, but I didn't enjoy it at all. I like basic simple food. Last night I sliced bagels in half, toasted them, and then put that in the centre of the plate, pilled it high with roasted pumpkin, potato, kumara, and then topped it off with cooked green beans and grilled asparagus, then scattered cooked red kidney beans and almonds (the protein part of the meal) around the plate, and topped it all off with a generous drizzle of dressing (a mixture of the flavors I like). It was a fantastic meal, far far better than the restaurant food! My point here is, a great meal was prepared very easily. It looked good, it tasted great. I could eat that every night and be a very happy person!

The difficulty in eating right rests upon: availability. If you feel peckish and there are only biscuits, crackers or bread in the cupboards, then that is what you will eat. Try to have healthy options available at all times.

How about this: Commit to one month of healthy eating, replacing all the rubbish foods with healthy foods--and no coca-cola, pepsi or any other such thing. One month, and then try to keep those habits going. Don't let yourself fall back into bad old habits.

Keep control of your weight. If you know you have gained weight, try to shed it before it piles on so much it's too hard to get rid of. Much easier to get rid of a pound or two than ten or twenty pounds. Monitor your weight.

Food is something to be enjoyed. For that reason perhaps make your mealtimes a celebration of color and flavors. Make the meals special, go to extra effort with presentation. Eat healthier, more attractive meals.

And try to be positive, happy and peaceful in your life. When you eat your meals, enjoy it, for that will affect the way your body is able to digest the food. Our attitudes and emotions are important, and it is only us who choose them. They are not forced on to us. We cannot blame them on anyone else. Choose your mood carefully. And choose the words you speak carefully. If you speak kindly then you will attract that energy back to yourself, but if you speak harshly and cruelly then you will attract that energy back to yourself. The same applies to your thoughts. Think kindly, and speak kindly, for thoughts and words are an energy which goes out into the universe, and what you give out is what you attract back to yourself. And that is going to have an effect on your health and wellness.

I am happy and peaceful, because that is what I choose. If someone around me chooses to be moody and bad tempered, then I will simply give them their space, but I will not buy into it. I will not live in fear of another person's moods and outrages.

My life. My choices. My attitudes and emotions. My choice of diet.

Mine.

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Steve Irwin. An inspiration

When I first heard that Steve Irwin had been killed I hoped that it was a joke, or that it was some other Steve Irwin.

I was deeply saddened to learn that it was the Steve Irwin who had died. Suddenly I felt a great sense of loss. I cannot even imagine what Terri Irwin, their children and all of Steve's family are feeling. To them I send my most heartfelt sympathy and condolences.

Why did we love Steve so much?

It was simple: he had passion.

Watching someone do something they love with passion is an extraordinary thing. I liken it to watching Nigella Lawson or Jamie Oliver cook, their passion oozes through everything they do, and is inspiring.

Steve's passion was a flame that ignited other people's interest in what he was doing.

He was not a man for half way measures, for half hearted attempts at anything. What he did he did with huge gusto!

As I think about it, it is as if he always knew, on Soul level, that he would only be here for 44 years. So he crammed as much living in as he could. Not the mindless drinking, binging, partying, but substantial, important stuff. He made a difference with his life.

It is hard to comprehend that he will never make another TV show, but, I do have one piece of hope to offer...

Our Souls do not die. Only our physical body perishes. The essence of us, our passions and fascinations are a part of our Soul, they are who we are. Steve is no longer with us physically, but he is most definitely with his family in Soul form. He will be able to watch over them, to be with them, to love them.

Our paths are not easy to see. Sometimes we are filled with a sense of desolation and hopelessness. But there is hope. We lose no one. Those who we loved are still with us.

Our lives will move forward. They will be different lives. But, if we can all keep at the forefront of our mind to live in a way that would make our loved ones proud of us, then that is the greatest honor we can do them.

I have no doubt that Terri is stronger that she gives herself credit for, and I know that she will raise her and Steve's children in a way that honors both her and Steve. She will move forward with purpose in her life.

What we can all do is support her in that through our thoughts and our prayers.

What we must now do is to never forget Steve or his passion.

Steve, thank you for walking this way, thank you for making a difference, thank you for your passion.

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Robyn Speed, Winner of the Ashton Wylie Charitable Trust Unpublished Manuscript Award 2006

The Ashton Wylie Charitable Trust Book and Unpublished Manuscript Award is run in association with the New Zealand Society of Authors (NZ Pen).

This year I was again a finalist, and flew up to Auckland to attend the awards ceremony.

I did not expect to win, and had been happy (over the moon actually) to be a finalist for the second year running with two different manuscripts.

The Unpublished Manuscript Award finalists were presented with their certificates, and then the winner of the award and the $10,000 prize money was announced. I was confident it would not be me.

I was completely blown away when the name announced was: Robyn Speed.

I won the Unpublished Manuscript Award!!!!

Now I have a literary agent who is interested in submitting this work to publishers in the USA.

Things have moved forward dramatically…and yet, I know that there are no guarantees…..just a lot of hope and excitement at this stage!

This award is the second biggest literary award in New Zealand, and to win it is major kudos. My next goal is to win the (published) book award!

I just won New Zealand's second largest literary award, and $10,000  !!!

Now....watch out world, while I kick things into  higher gear!

A Time of Success

I bought myself a gift. Why? To celebrate being a finalist in the Ashton Wylie Awards.

I felt I deserved a reward, but more than that, I wanted something to remind me of the occasion. Something that, when I looked at, I would remember being a finalist for the second year running.

So, I bought myself a Field & Stream pocket watch. I have a passion not just for pocket watches, but for Field & Stream pocket watches. A weird fascination, but, there you have it! I now own two and would be happy to add to that collection.

My main point here is: when we reward ourselves for a milestone in our life, we are reminded of that success every time we look upon the object. Even when we are having a lousy day, we will look on that object and feel better. There will be a very positive association between the object and our mood.

Even on my worst day, when I pull out my pocket watch I will be reminded that I achieved something significant. A watch is a practical thing, so why not make it practical and highly significant to my life?

Whatever it is we achieve, the kudos soon die out and our success is forgotten. We deserve something to keep that achievement alive.

Next time you achieve a milestone or a great success, think about something that you could purchase as a memento of the occasion. Not a car or something you are likely to sell, something that you can keep with you--jewelry, a framed picture, a vase, a crystal, a turned wooden bowl.

We let many milestones pass without the due degree of celebration. Oh sure, we cheer for a day and tell everyone we know, but then we get caught back up in the drudgery of daily chores, and our kudos dies. We get back to work. We carry on. The moments of celebration are over. Bu I cry NO! Let the kudos ring out longer, and let us NEVER forget what we achieved.

Positive associations, and rewards. Don't we deserve it?

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Finalist! Again!

Ashton Wylie Charitable Trust Unpublished Manuscript Award 2006 - Finalist!

I submitted my visionary manuscript, The Key, to the Ashton Wylie Charitable Trust Unpublished Manuscript Award 2006. It is a very different manuscript to the one that made the short-list last year. And it came as a huge surprise to receive an email today to say that They Key has been short-listed!

I was, and still am, extremely excited--to the point I am finding it hard to think straight!

To be short-listed two years running with two different manuscripts is hugely satisfying. And I am hoping that this will help to persuade publishers that I am worth taking a chance on!

If nothing else it will demonstrate that I am committed to  my work and capable of producing. I am not a one-book-wonder.

I am currently working on a new novel which I hope to enter into next years award, providing I can keep it within the word count and finish it in time. If I can achieve that I believe that that work, too, has a good chance of making the short-list.

Where I sit, here at my desk, I look up to see the framed finalist certificate and merit award certificate from last year, for Dimension's Doorway, and that have served to inspire me. After August I will be able to look up and see yet another framed finalist certificate. It would be nice to win the big award and the cash, but I honestly do not mind if I don't win. To be a finalist two years running with two different manuscripts says a lot!

Writing is such a solitary activity, fraught with self-doubts, fears, and rejection letters. To be recognized, to have your peers say 'this is a good', well, huge sigh of relief more than anything else.

The awards function is 18th August. I will keep you posted.

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My Dad

Firstly, I am really really glad that my Dad is okay.

We had a visit to the Emergency department at the hospital Wednesday night. His breathing was labored and had got worse that day, and I could tell by the look on his face that he was beginning to get a bit worried. I persuaded him that we should go in and have him looked at.

We got to hospital before 6.30 pm and were there for over 6 hours. It wasn't that he needed so much attention, just that everything seemed to take time. Oxygen to help him, x-rays, blood tests, ECG, then wait wait wait.

Turned out he had fluid in the lungs, and that was why he was getting short of breath. They gave him drugs to help get rid of the fluid, and other drugs to get his heart rate down as it was beating way too fast. He had been in hospital a month earlier for an erratic heart beat, and it is possible all of this was related.

I admit to being worried at the start of the evening. But, while we were there something changed and I just knew that he was going to be okay. It was a spiritual knowingness, and after that I was not afraid at all.

Dad finally got to the cardiac ward, (for a few days stay while they sort out hisheart rate), at 12.40 a.m.

The next day I went up to the hospital to see him and he was off the oxygen, breathing well, and looking great. It was wonderful to see him looking well and feeling better.

They still have not got the heart rate down enough, but it is certainly better than it was.

Whenever I have someone I love in hospital I am grateful for the wonderful nurses and doctors. The doctors do a great job, but it is the nurses who do the day to day care, and they are just fabulous.

My Dad is one of the greatest men I know. He is loving, compassionate, kind, sensitive, tactful, smart. The world is a better place with him in it! I know that one day he will finish this lifetime as Jim Speed, but for now, he is still here and I am really really glad!

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Marriage and Respect

It is interesting to talk to lots of different married people. The chronic issue that seems to arise is: lack of respect.

It is amazing how many women feel that they do not get enough (or indeed any) respect from their husband. It can be as simple as him answering his cell phone mid conversation because he considers the call more important that the conversation with his wife. Or it could be as complex as the wife trying to discuss an important matter and the husband completely ignoring her.

The social stigma attached to being a stay at home Mum is horrific. It almost seems like some kind of disease: become a Mum and become instantly stupid, valueless and boring.

Being a Mum is a tough job, demanding more patience than many Saints have ever possessed, and yet it is totally unrecognized and unappreciated. Do we expect our children to appreciate what we do for them? No, not really. At least, not until they themselves are adults. Our  job is to raise the children, and it is not conditional upon them saying thank you. We raise our children because we love them.

The husband, traditionally, goes out to work, brings in the money while the woman raises the children, and takes care of household responsibilities.

But, never forget that these Mums were once vital members of the work force. They are not stupid people. They gave up work to raise the family, they gave up the opportunity of career, position and money because they saw the greater value in raising the children--and in doing the job well.

Husbands, don't ignore your wife when she speaks to you. Don't dismiss her arguments as stupid. Don't walk away when she is speaking to you. Don't take all that she does for granted. She washes and irons your clothes, cooks your meals and cleans your house, and she does this as a show of appreciation for what you do, and because she takes pride in her job. Do you show her an appreciation of all she does for you and the family, or do you take it for granted and consider that your role is the greater and more difficult role? If that's your attitude, then you are arrogant and at risk of losing that very thing you take for granted.

Wives all over the place are tired of being taken for granted, being given no respect whilst they are expected to give respect. As their children grow up, and they face re-entering the work force (now in menial low paying jobs because they have been out of the work force) they are realizing some important things: they don't need their husbands, and they just might be happier and more peaceful as a divorcee.

Husbands your job is no tougher or more vital that the job of raising the next generation. And as much as you think your wife needs you, you need her too. Without her you will have to cook, clean, wash, iron, shop and vacuum for yourself, things you are unused to doing, whilst without you she will get a job and continue to do all those things she has always done. You need her as much as you think she needs you.

Marriages fall down over lack of respect, and there is a saying that by the time the husband realizes there is a problem in the marriage the wife has left long ago.

Respect each other. Appreciate each other. Speak nicely to each other (that may sound obvious, but that surly tone, the lecturing voice merely slams the door on open communication).

Don't lose what you have because you didn't appreciate it and value it when you should have.

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Rent hikes

Our local pet store is closing in a month. The landlady more than tripled the rent when the leases were up, hence the pet store and at least one other business are moving or closing down.

Since the landlady lives in Korea and not in New Zealand, it makes me wonder if she has any idea what a fair rent here in Christchurch is? Apparently she only comes to NZ once a year.

Is she after a greater return for her investment? Clearly. Is the rent hike going to achieve that? No. She will achieve empty shops earning her no income.

It really does make me wonder why people let greed play the dominant card, instead of 'knowledge of the market'. What is the common market rent? How good are the tenants I already have? What kind of profit do I want to make off my investment? Am I expecting too much? Will this backfire and leave me with an empty building?

Know your market, then calculate your prices.

So, the pet store is leaving, shutting up business whilst the owner looks for new premises. Since winter is a tough time the owner is actually looking forward to taking some time off from running the shop. It's kind of sad for us pet owners though because many of us have got to know the owner and her staff quite well, and often pop in just to say hello and see the pets, as much as to buy pet food and necessities.

The community is losing out here, which I know is nothing to do with the landlady...but sad nonetheless.

It seems to me that so many businesses put profit on such a high pedestal of worship that they fail to consider all the other values. Public relations, community involvement, fairness, goodwill, in fact goodwill may be almost as important as the profit. The drive for more and more profit makes the customers feel as if the company is doing them a favor by selling products and services to them. We have no doubt all be in a shop, at one time or another, and felt that we were interrupting the shopkeeper by wanting to be served.

I am a customer of the pet shop, and the pet shop owner is a customer of the landlady. It all goes round. But, all it takes is one unfair price hike on a necessary product or commodity in order to lose that customer for good.

I would like to see businesses getting back to 'the customer is important'. Profit cannot be the sole driving force....profit for the sake of profit at the cost of all else? Let's build businesses based on the human component.

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